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Sydney headed to school on her Element skateboard. Her black emo cut hair swaying in the wind. Her crystal blue eyes were glistening in the sunshine. Everything was going perfect. She kicked up her board and sat by a shady tree, waiting for school to start. Yes she was a tomboy, but she didn’t care what other people thought about her. She wasn’t the most well loved girl, but she had a chance to change, and be a new person.
“Another year, another school” She sighed as she slung her messenger bag over her shoulder.
‘RIIIING’ goes the morning bell. She tucks her Green Day sticker covered board underneath her arm and headed inside the building. She opens the double doors to find people… and lots of them. They were all rushing around, with books in hand. One guy ran into a locker door.
“What a nerd” she laughed. She went to the office to get her schedule and locker number.
“Uh hi, I’m Sydney Johnson. I’m the new student and I need my schedule and locker number.”
thats just part of it
new name: Sydney Callaway?
Messenger Bag Resources
- Morning Bell: It’s Time for Reality, Not Deadlines, in Iraq and Afghanistan | The Foundry: Conservative Policy News.
- Free Element Skateboard Gear! (Element Search plus win) | Skateboarding Gear
- ASR Marketplace 2010 – Element Skateboards – Nov 2010 – Jan 2011 | Preview | FreshnessMag.com
Comments
I like it. I am getting a certain picture of Sydney. Keep at it!
That was excellent!!! If u email me whaen it comes out and tell me what the title is I WILL BUY IT!!!!
sounds excellent to me, i wonder whats going to happen. hehe!
i reckon you need to quit dropping things that you reckon are cool into your tale. makes it look like your trying way to hard!
maybe you should have pictures in it too, that way you could tell tale line plots vs. image of characters!
excellent start though-
Dont be worried to add details. When you write, imagine yourself being Sydney. Write in detail about her wants and needs. Give your tale lots of meat, so it doesnt hang loose from the bones of the tales initial stucture. Giver her a purpose and a conflict. Keep up the fantastic work. Keep writing.
Past or present tense. You need to practice whether you are going to tell the tale as it is happening….present tense….or how it happened….past tense. You are getting yours mixed up.
Ring went the morning bell or the morning bell rang. Ring goes the morning bell is a small awkward to read.
You do this in quite a few other places.
Also many authors do this:
Sydney headed to school on her Element skateboard. Her black emo cut hair swaying in the wind. Her crystal blue eyes were glistening in the sunshine.
Why not write:
Sydney headed to school on her skateboard. Her black hair swayed in the wind. Her blue eyes glistened in the morning sunlight.
No need to overdo the narrative. It’s called ‘flowery’ and not many publishers like it.
Other than that, the tale starts out well.
I don’t mean to offend you, but I saw a LOT of problems with this piece. For one thing, you need to work on your past/present tense. Also, it seems like you’re trying too hard to cram a lot of details about your main character into the first few paragraphs of your tale. Here are my suggestions…
1: Please, remember to keep your “tenses” in mind. Either you say I do, I did, or I will, not all three. Having mistakes like that will throw off nearly every reader.
2: The name Sydney Johnson really doesn’t appeal to me. I like the name Sydney, but why not choose a less mainstream last name. A excellent suggestion…open up to a random page in the phone book, and find some last names that sound fantastic with Sydney. A lot of writers tend to be worried to use unique last names, so they stick to the safe ones like Smith, Miller, and, yes, Johnson. I reckon even well-known writers like J.K Rowling (Potter!) fall victim to that.
3. Too much detail, not enough length! Instead of telling all about your protagonist in the first few paragraphs, it’s better to slowly clarify who she is and what’s going on.
4. As was said earlier, your descriptions need work. (black emo cut hair, crystal blue eyes, shady tree, messenger bag, Green Day sticker covered skateboard, Element skateboard, etc.) That weighs the tale down with unneeded information.
5. Instead of saying “RIIIING” goes/went the morning bell, use a better, less “first grade” sounding description.
But, I like your character, your sense of timing, and your braveness to show total strangers your work! (If I were that courageous, I would too.) Excellent luck and keep writing.
(Also, I don’t want to seem rude or highly critical, but it’s better coming from me than a huge-name publisher or something. Also, I reckon if you keep these tips in mind, your tale will only improve!)
Added details: Fantastic name. Much more unique, fits the character well.
hmmm…inside the mind of an emo girl…I am intrigued.
but, you need to unify your time. Part of your tale is set in the present, and part in the past. (in the beginning: “Sydney headed to school on her Element skateboard” in the end:She tucks her Green Day sticker covered board underneath her arm”.)
Also I would leave out the Green Day (but I just don’t like them.) try like Slipknot, or, to tone things down a bit, My Chemical Romance (my personal choice, but I don’t know just how emo-punk you want her to be). For more emo bands, look here: http://musicmoz.org/Styles/Rock/Alternative/Emo/Bands_and_Artists/
Also I find the beginning, with all its descriptioins, a bit hard to swallow. How ’bout you concentrate on the feelings and emotions while she’s going to school, then have her head to the bathroom to check her makeup or something, and describe her face as she’s looking into the mirror.
overall, it’s excellent though, and it sounds fascinating. i really wish you’d posted more, but oh well.
Excellent for you! I take it this is written with a teenager / young adult audience in mind, but, I’m 44 and I like it so far. I really like the new name, too. (Much better than the first.)
I do have a small advice though:
1) It reads like you were “running a race”. Slow down a small, (not TOO much), just a small.
Not a huge difference, but a huge difference…
2) Past, present, or future. Choose “when” you are going to tell your tale.
Example:
a) Past: Sydney tucked her board under her arm…
b) Present: Sydney tucks her board under her arm… As Sidney quickly tucks her board under her arm…
c) Future: Sydney would eventually tuck her board under her arm…
3) Choose who she is: courageous & self confident: (She was a Tomboy…she didn’t care what other people thought about her.) Or, insecure & weak. (She wasn’t the most well loved girl… she could change… be a new person.) Which ever it is, play to her strengths or weaknesses, and use the opposite only in “when push comes to shove” circumstances. (Like in real life…)
One more thing; I really like your style of writing. I agree that the 1st paragraph took a couple of seconds to get use to, but, that’s exactly how I got a picture of Sydney in my head so quickly, which is why I really finished up appreciating it sooo much. I like that I can already picture Sydney. Exsp. when “she kicked up her board & sat by a shady tree, waiting for school to start.” And I like that I know from the start that she’s so “emo” rather than trying to make up a picture of her myself, first, and then finding out two pages – or chapters later… that I had her all incorrect, (because that’s just really annoying!)
Anyway, I Loved it! Excellent job!
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